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Kicking things off - Not monogamous

ever so slightly obsessed posting in Not monogamous
User: notmonogamous (posted by scien)
Date: 2009-11-08 10:28
Subject: Kicking things off
Security: Public
Sorry I didn't start promoting and things earlier, I kind of forgot that I was going to go on holiday with no internet. Oops!

So hello! Me in brief: I'm UK based, female, and have a preference for what I think of as 'flexible' arrangements with regards to monogamy.

I've been very happy monogamous and I generally find that if I'm really into someone, spending lots of time with them etc, I don't naturally also get into anyone else. So you could say I'm pretty monogamous by nature. But despite that I still prefer to have the freedom to pursue outside interests should I want to. So far in practice I've only ever seen multiple people while it was at very very casual first and second date type contexts, although that's actually looking to change with my third date with someone next weekend... eeeeeee :D

In the other direction, I'm very happy for my partners to do whatever so long as it's safe and honest and I still get the time and attention I want (or preferably more :)). I've never experienced sexual jealousy, which is a bit odd for me because I'm by no means immune to any other kind, including my friends getting newer shinier friends omghalp.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the wrong way around - it's considered entirely 'normal' to have outside crushes but still be jealous around your partner's sexual exclusivity, not to not be jealous while not having much interest in outside encounters yourself! It's caused a bit of tension occasionally but so far people have mostly been able to accept that 'I'm just weird like that' eventually.

Just a reminder, intro posts are currently very welcome just to get some chatter going here. Please do go ahead and introduce yourself :)

Actual post:

Something I've been thinking about lately is 'the thrill of the chase'. I've heard a lot of talk over the years of lurking in polyamory and other communities about NRE, but this seems to me to be a slightly different idea as it ends when the relationship is established.

I'm currently (very casually) involved with someone who adores the time when you're just getting to know someone, slowly opening up, and the sexual tension is so thick you can taste it, and you're not quite sure what's going to happen next. For me, that was a really fun time, but I'm actually happier now that we're more comfortable and all we need to do to get each other into bed is ask. For him, it's less exciting. I'm hoping he'll find someone else to get that excitement with and that will spill over into our interactions too. If not then oh well, I guess he'll have to deal one way or another, since I'm certainly not going to play hard to get :P We're still seeing each other and it's still fun, but he misses that intensity a lot.

I won't be heartbroken if this doesn't work out to be a long term thing, but it would be nice if we could make it work. And this isn't really something I've run across before. So I'm curious about:

* How do you feel about 'the thrill of the chase'? If you/your partners are very into it, what has that been like?
* Does my theory about excitement spilling over match your experiences, or do you find that having that excitement somewhere else makes the established relationship(s) where you already know what's going on look pale in comparison?
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nonmonogamous
User: nonmonogamous
Date: 2009-11-08 18:06 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hello! And thanks for this community :)

* How do you feel about 'the thrill of the chase'? If you/your partners are very into it, what has that been like?

I love "the thrill of the chase," but I think I love passing that stage just as much as being in it. As fun as the chase is, I can be utterly insecure at times and that wreaks havoc on my emotions, and yet I do miss the tangible sexual tension once we've passed that stage. Then again, once we've passed that stage, we're usually on each other like bunnies for quite some time after - so it's not that bad. :) I can definitely say that I'm not constantly in search of new chases to spice up my established relationships, nope nope.

* Does my theory about excitement spilling over match your experiences, or do you find that having that excitement somewhere else makes the established relationship(s) where you already know what's going on look pale in comparison?

It all depends on how the people in the already established relationship handle it, I think. You seem to not experience sexual jealousy, so if this guy *does* find someone else and shares the details of the experience with you, then it can definitely heat things up for you two. This doesn't work for everyone, though. My SO and I always get closer and "glow" more when one of us is experiencing NRE and going through "the chase" with someone else, but my OSO never wants to know more than the fact that "I'm seeing someone," and he gets a little gloomy during the chasing stage. I wouldn't say my relationship with him pales, in my eyes, but I think HE feels that it pales.

...we're working on that, but he and I are still building on a lot of levels. He may never be able to get excited about me with anyone but him and my SO, but only time will tell.
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